This page is meant to be a work of humor, and not meant to be a real guide on meeting people. If you do try out some of these techniques, please understand that I am not responsible for any lawsuits, restraining orders, arrests, or other catastrophes that may come your way. It's true that Alan will notice you... just probably not in a, um, positive light. ("But it's so fun to think of the possibilities!")
Exactly. So with that said, here is the ever expanding list!
1. Ask Alan Rickman to autograph a body part.
2. Follow him around town like a crazed fan. Finally ask him, "Are you really Alan Rickman?" When he says yes, say, "Oh, I thought you were someone else," and walk away.
3. Tell him how sexy his pinky finger is.
4. Pinch his butt. Then act like he pinched you.
5. Run after him screaming, "Daddy!"
6. Walk up to him with a huge chemistry textbook and say, "Professor Snape? Can you please help me with my Potions homework?"
7. Instead of asking him to autograph a picture or DVD, ask him to autograph a sanitary napkin. (Hee hee hee...)
8. Ask him, "Can I smell your underwear?" (If any one of you actually does this, please let me know the full details of the ensuing conversation!)
9. While Alan is in his limo, pretend your a windshield cleaner. When the limo hits a red light, squeegee the windows and refuse to leave.
10. During a (preferably serious) play, hold up a sign that says, "Give Us A Real Show, Alan! Strip For Us!"
11. Give him flowers. Dead flowers.
12. Stare at his balls and tell him how gorgeous his eyes are.
13. Throw marshmallows onto the stage.
14. Look at him for a very long time, then say, "No offense sir, but you look like that one really ugly actor from Die Hard. What's his name? Oh yeah, Alan Rickman."
15. Ask him where babies come from. Have a notebook in hand to take notes!
16. Point at him and laugh uncontrollably.
17. Walk up to him, stare at him, and say spookily, "I just saw a vision of my own death..."
18. Get a friend. You pull one of Alan's arms while your friend pulls the other, and start singing "The Boy Is Mine."
19. Make a beautifully packaged gift basket and present it to him after a play. Inside, include condoms, can openers, floppy discs, used tissues, and other random junk you can find.
20. Kneel at his feet, start bowing and chanting, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Then stop, give a good look at him, and say, "Oh, I thought you were someone else."
21. Stand next to Alan. When someone else goes up to him for an autograph, say in a nonchalant voice, "He's my daddy, you know."
22. Dress like a nun, and pinch his butt!
23. Instead of throwing flowers onstage, throw little boxes of Rogaine.
24. After the play, go up to Alan and say, "Did you see that guy up there, that Alan guy? He was so pathetic and he can't act at all!"
25. Ask him where he keeps his toilet paper.
26. Walk up to him. Poke him on the nose like how Alanis Morrisette pokes Bethany on the nose in Dogma.
27. Pretend to be pregnant. Go up to him and scream, while pointing to your stomach, "How could you?" (This works best when lots of people are around!)
28. Scream profanities at him. (Um...)
29. Gather together a huge book of NC-17 Snape fanfics from online, with all possible pairings. Send it to him.
30. Ask him, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
31. Walk up to him and ask him, "Where is the bathroom?"
32. Smear your hands in Krazy Glue. Then shake hands with Alan! That'll keep you two together for a while.
33. Get cosmetic surgery to look like Rima!
34. Tell him that he is like an M&M. He melts in your mouth, and not in your hand.
35. Ask him, "Does my pants make my butt look big?"
36. Bring a huge poster of Ian McKellen to the play and ask him to sign it.
37. If you see him walking down the street, go up to him and whisper in his ear, "I'm going to kill you and send you down the garbage disposal." Then when he looks at you, gasp and say, "I'm so sorry sir! For a moment I thought you were that actor, Alan Rickman!"
38. Go up to him really close and shove ice cubes down his pants!
39. During the middle of the play when Alan is onstage, scream, "Where's Alan Rickman! And who is this ugly fraud!"
40. Ask him for a kiss. Then stick your tongue in his mouth. (Yummy.)
41. Ask him for a picture. Then use one of those camera squirt toys and squirt water in his face.
42. While he's outside of the theater signing autographs, stick a note on his back that says, "I eat animals and small children," or other similarly witty catchphrase.
43. Wait a long time to get his autograph... then go up to him and ask him if he's got change for a nickel.
44. Blow your nose on his shirt.
45. Wet your hands at the sink. Then pretend to sneeze in his face, shaking the water from your hands onto his face. (It feels like someone really sneezed at you! Totally gross.)
46. Buy him a mini skirt.
47. Kick him in the nuts. Offer to kiss them to make them feel better.
48. Gush on and on about how much you absolutely loved him in Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, and other movies he wasn't a part of.
49. Crash your car with his and then you'll have to exchange addresses for insurance reasons.
50. During a play, laugh loudly at random places.
51. Make funny faces at him during a play.
52. Eat lots of garlic and tomatoes (like in Closet Land) and kiss him.
53. Dress like a man, and accuse him of stealing Rima.
54. Look at him really closely, then turn to your friend and say, "I told you his hair isn't real. You owe me ten bucks."
55. Accuse him of kidnapping your mommy, then start crying.
56. Say to Alan, "Hello, Rima! Where can I meet Alan Rickman?"
57. Touch him in inappropriate places, and then say, "How did my hand get there?"
58. Ask him to sign everything in sight. ("Alan, can you please sign this tree leaf?")
59. Tell him, "Alan, you're the most handsome man in the world! Or no... maybe Orlando Bloom is. Maybe Ian McKellen is. Actually, I think Johnny Depp is. Sorry about that."
60. Dress up like an agent from the X Files and run up to him and give him a mysterious package in a manila envelope while saying, "Hold onto this while I alert the Undercover Resistance."
61. Run up to him screaming, "The aliens! They're everywhere! Oh no! Not you too!" Run off.
62. Say to him, "Do you know who the best actor in the world is?" Look at him like you're going to say his name, but then say, "Kevin Spacey."
63. Suck your thumb while you sit in the front row of the play.
64. Instead of asking for an autograph, ask for a lock of his... erm, pubic hair. (I didn't suggest this! Someone else did!)
65. Grab him and scream, "You're in deep trouble, young man! Go to your room right now!"
66. Spray silly string at him.
67. When asking him for an autograph, whisper huskily, "Thank you for that great time last night. You know what I'm talking about, Big Boy."
68. Dress up like a cop, and walk up to him with handcuffs, saying, "Hans Gruber, I'm putting you under arrest for murder and arson."
69. Run up to him, kissing and hugging him, and saying, "Honey! Where were you! I missed you so much! I'm so glad you're coming home!" Then back away and say, "Wait a minute. Who are you! Get your hands off of me!" Run.
70. Make a sign that says "The End Is Near." Hold it up at plays. Preferably in the front row.
71. Print out huge, glossy, laminated pictures of the diving scene in Dark Harbor and ask him to sign them for you. (You know what I'm talking about. The scene where he's completely naked?)
72. Print out huge, glossy, laminated pictures of the diving scene in Dark Harbor and wear them on your shirt.
73. Print out this list and give it to him. (And mention http://alan.thebottomstripe.net if you're cool!)
74. Get a restraining order on him before he gets one on you.
75. Drag him with you into a gas station and attempt to tango with him.
76. Look down into his pants. When he asks you what you're doing, innocently say you're only checking to see if he told the truth in Rasputin and if he really is a "great big man."
77. Look down into his pants. When he asks you what you're doing, innocently say, "What have you got to hide? I thought you were as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll."
78. At the stage door, give him fifty or sixty helium filled balloons, preferably in the form of pink elephants.
79. Serenade him with "Take It With Me" by Tom Waits, which is his favorite romantic song.
80. Serenade him with "Hot In Here" by Nelly.
81. Do the handshake my friend Kristy invented. First, take Alan's hand, palm up, and tell him to relax his hand. Then quickly push his hand down and make him grab his own crotch. (Try this on your friends for practice. It's hilarious!)
82. Spill hot, burning acid all over his clothes. Then he'll have to strip.
83. Go up to him and give him a fork and say, "At least it wasn't a spoon." (Contributed by Lesa. Thanks!)
84. When you see Alan amd Rima go to them and say, "Alan, baby, what do you think I should wear tonight? The blue G-string or the pink G-string?" (Numbers 84 to 90 contributed by Babsy. So many thanks!)
85. Go to the Harry Potter movie sets and sing as loud as you can:
86. Tell him, "Do you turn me on, do I turn you on?" When his mouth falls open because he can't say anything, scream, "Listen everybody, I turn him on!"
87. Go to one of his movies sets and every time when he makes a mistake scream, "Alan, you've been a bad boy, go to my room!"
88. Dress as Lady Marian and walk up to him and shout, "I will never marry you!" Then cry and run off.
89. Ask him for a little interview, and when he agrees, you start the camera, raise your microphone and say, "Hello, I stand here beside the great Hugh Grant..."
90. Tell him, "Hey? Aren't you the cutie from Love Actually?" Start asking questions for about half an hour and then say, "No... you aren't..."
91. Douse yourself in kerosene and hold two road flares and threaten to hug him. (Fan submitted! Thank you!)
92. Ask Alan where babies come from, and then when (if) he starts to explain, look puzzled and ask him to demonstrate. (Submitted by Sparo'e! Thank you!)
93. During the reception at a major social event (where Alan Rickman will use spoons), start screaming, "He's got a weapon!" (Submitted by Kyra! Thank you!)
94. Go up to him when there are some people around, and say in a kind voice, "Honey, you're almost done here, aren't you? You did promise you'd spend some time with AJ (little Alan Junior)!" (Submitted by Kyra! Thank you!)
95. As you talk to him, look at him pointedly down there, and say suggestively, echoing the words of Harry Potter: "And if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you lower your wand."
96. Ask him, "So, Alan, when you wear pants, do you wear it left or right?"
97. Say, "Wingardium Leviosa," while flourishing your wand near his... area.
98. Hand him a diagram including a picture of a naked Ken doll and a picture from the Dark Harbor diving scene. Say, "I've been studying these and somehow Ken seems more impaired than you..." (Submitted by Chelsea! Thank you!)
99. Ask him innocently if you can ride his broomstick. (Submitted by Chelsea! Thank you!)
100. Beat him up.
101. Go up to him and make motorcycle noises, increasing the volume if he tries to talk. (Submitted by Chelsea! Thank you!)
102. Run around him (preferably in a well-populated public) and sing Offspring's song: "And all the girls say he's pretty fly! For a white guy!" Have flashily dressed backup dancers sing: "Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco-cinco, seis!" That'll get his attention.
103. During our man's next birthday, shout: "Happy eightieth, Alan!"
104. During our man's next birthday, bake him a small cake with all fifty-plus candles cramed onto its surface. Flourishingly light all the candles with a blowtorch and present it to him. (Make sure to have a fire extinguisher handy.)
105. Run up to Alan and ask him for a private potions lesson. (Submitted by Alan's Girl! Thank you!)
106. Write a poem about him and read it to him out loud. (Submitted by Alan's Girl! Thank you!) Webmistress Helen suggests reading the classic poems of the second Earl of Rochester, and the classic prose of the Marquis de Sade for inspiration.
107: Go to him, scream his name and say, "Hey, that's Alan Rickman! Could you give me the number of Liam Neeson?" (Submitted by Aragorn! Thank you!)
108: Ask Alan if you can have one of his pillows off his bed. (Submitted by Jamie! Thank you!)
109: Ask Alan if you can see his wand. (Submitted by Jamie! Thank you!)
110: Run up to Alan, show him a picture of himself, and say frantically, "My husband's gone missing! Can you help me?" (Submitted by Alison! Thank you!)
111: Take out a gun and shoot him. (Submitted by Nishi! Thank you!)
112: Approach Alan and ask him to sign your spoon. When he asks: "Why a spoon?" reply in an impression of him from Robin Hood: "Because it's dull you twit, it will hurt more!" (Submitted by Amy K.! Thank you!)
113: Walk up to him, and stare at him for an extended period of time. Wait until he asks you what's wrong. Then tell him he did a terrible job cutting his hair. (Submitted by Belladora! Thank you!)
114: Walk up to him and say: "You're my best friend, Bobby!" and hug him tight. (Submitted by Lucidly Cryptic! Thank you!)
115: Give him a pair of scissors and ask him if he wants to cut your hair. (Submitted by Trudy! Thank you!)
I got the idea and many of the blurbs for this page from a really old Savage Garden fanpage that I printed out about six or seven years ago. I don't know if it's still on the web, but if any of you ever find it, I'd love to cite it and give it credit.
Submissions to this list are more than welcome! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please put in the subject line something mentioning Alan, so I know it's not junk mail.
Back to The Slightly Weird Alan Rickman Fansite.