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This is a collection of completely unbiased movie reviews of most of Alan's movies.

Die Hard

A tragic, heart wrenching drama about a suave and sophisticated gentleman, Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), who attempts to rightfully take a miniscule several million dollars away from a very, very rich monopolistic international conglomeration. In the meantime, a scruffy cop by the name of Mr. Cowboy, who apparently drank too much egg nog at the Christmas party, decides to stop Mr. Gruber from completing his honorable task. Warning! A poignant tissue warning at the end of this futile battle between good (Mr. Gruber) and evil (Mr. Cowboy)!

Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves

The darkly sexy Sheriff of Nottingham (Rickman) wants to marry the Maid Marian, but Robin Hood's dad, who is supposedly a devil worshipper, has poisoned the Maid Marian's mind so that Marian falls in love with his dim son, Robin Hood, who, even though he is English, can't speak one word in an English accent. Then Robin runs into a forest with a whole bunch of ragmuffins, where he skinny dips, drinks a lot of beer, and gets drunk enough to steal the Sheriff's stuff! Once again, a deeply moving tragedy.

Romeo And Juliet

Tybalt (Rickman) is an honorable young man of the Capulet house who wants to protect his thirteen year old cousin, Juliet, from the clutches of a fourteen year old player by the name of Romeo. Tybalt knows Romeo was "in love" with this other girl just a couple of days ago, and realizes that Romeo is very immature. Unfortunately, so is Juliet. So Juliet goes and cavorts with Romeo and they say a whole bunch of meaningless nothings, like, "I'll love you forever, blah, blah, blah." Whatever. These people haven't even hit puberty yet, okay? So Tybalt tries to stop Romeo, but he gets killed. And because Tybalt the Golden Conscience is dead, Romeo and Juliet think of some half-baked plan involving drinking poison and stabbing themselves with daggers, and wind up thoroughly anihilating themselves within the week. The only person you end up feeling sorry for in this comedic farce is Tybalt Capulet.

Michael Collins

Something happens. This guy named Eamon De Valera (Rickman) runs around in a feather boa and ends up being the president of Ireland.

Galaxy Quest

This movie gets an enthusiastic two thumbs way down. Why? Okay, poor Sir Alexander Dane (Rickman) has to suffer through these immature Galaxy Quest conventions and autographs, and winds up risking his life on this spaceship run by some polka dotted squiddy things. And then a polka dotted squiddy thing by the name of Quellek starts to follow him! And what's more, no one else one listens to him except for the annoying Quellek! And, what's more, half of Alexander Dane's appearances were cut out of the final movie! More than half! All the good Alexander scenes are not in the movie! Argh! Where is the bathroom scene? Where is the extended rock monster scene? Captain Taggart is a scene stealing hack! I demand a remake! I demand a remake! (Faint.)

Closet Land

This movie starts when a government interrogator (Rickman) captures a young author of children's books and accuses her of political subversion. Interrogation ensues. Two hours later... interrogation is still ensuing. Then the movie ends. Anyhoo. Join Amnesty International.

An Awfully Big Adventure

A guy (Rickman) who wears a long, greasy black wig, is at odds with a younger man named Potter. Potter wears a red and gold scarf and round glasses, and is mean to the guy. Potter eventually wins. Other characters in this movie include a woman named Lily, and a chubby fellow named Uncle Vernon.

Harry Potter 1

A guy (Rickman) who wears a long, greasy black wig, is at odds with a younger man named Potter. Potter wears a red and gold scarf and round glasses, and is mean to the guy. Potter eventually wins. Other characters in this movie include a woman named Lily and chubby fellow named Uncle Vernon.

The Winter Guest

This is a very short movie that lasts about two seconds. What happens is this. A man on the street (Rickman) runs into this old woman, and because he is really polite, lifts his hat in apology. The end. Every man should be as polite as that man on the street.

Quigley Down Under

A guy (Rickman) by the name of Elliot Marston owns a ranch. He owns a gun and has a big mustache. Then, along comes this biter by the name of Matthew Quigley, who also owns a gun and has a big mustache. Matthew gets delusional, thinks he's Elliot, and tries to throw poor Elliot out of his own house! How dare he! Elliot knows that there's only room for one gun-toting, mustached guy in Australia, so decides to throw Quigley out into the desert. Quigley lives. He hooks up with a crazy girl by the name of Cora. They go back and kill Mr. Marston. Then the movie ends, because without the cool sexiness of Elliot Marston on the scene, no one really cares what happens next to Matthew the Copycat.

Help! I'm A Fish

A little fishie by the name of Joe (Rickman) sings a song about being really intelligent. Then he wants to take over the ocean. This is a great movie to show to your kids, because it shows that even though Joe is so tiny, he's able to look above his diminutive physical stature and still attempt to take over the ocean. However, though I haven't seen this movie before, I have a niggling suspicion that Joe fails at this task. Maybe you shouldn't show this movie to your kids after all.

Love Actually

This movie has a bad, bad plot. This married guy Harry (Rickman) wants to buy a necklace for his co-worker, who is hitting on him. Harry's wife finds out that Harry's buying a necklace, and thinks it's for her. Now, let me ask you, is Harry making a big mistake and setting himself up for something horrible? Yes. Why? First, you can't go shopping for your co-worker with your wife. Second, instead of giving his wife a CD (I mean come on) he should have gotten her an imitation necklace that costs about twenty bucks. And third, everyone knows instead of buying that valuable necklace for his co-worker, Harry should have bought that necklace for me. Evidently, the director did not know that. So Harry goes and gives the necklace to the co-worker, the wife gets a crummy CD, and suddenly Harry's life becomes, well, hairy. The moral of this story is, never call yourself Harry.

Harry Potter 2

The main character (Rickman) is tragically underused in the continuing saga of the Severus Snape series. All he does is do a little turn on the catwalk and clap at the end of the film. Perhaps the turn on the catwalk is symbolic of a turn in character development? Perhaps the claps are a foreshadowing of what will happen in the next installment? Only time will tell...

Rasputin

A Cassanova, I mean, monk, with a lot of facial hair (Rickman) goes into the palace, dances on the table, and claims that he is a "great big man." The other men of the palace grow insanely jealous of him and want to asassinate him as a futile attempt to cover up their "shortcomings," hee hee hee. They suceed after feeding him poison, beating him up, shooting him, letting him run outside in the cold, shooting him more, tying him up, and throwing him in a river and drowning him. Then the royal family gets rounded up and shot at. The little prince is on the ground, and a tough punk looms over his head with a gun. The boy imagines Mr. Rasuptin talking to him... the screen fades to black. Evidently, this film ends on a very tense cliffhanger. Why? Well, we, the audience, never truly got to see if Mr. Rasputin really was a "great big man" like he claimed he was.

Dark Harbor

A man (Rickman) and his wife are on their way to catch a ferry to go to their private island, when they pick up a young drifter from the side of the road, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yackety-smackety. Fast forward until the last ten minutes. The second to the last scene is an alternate ending to the movie Rasputin, where the cliffhanger of the previous movie is finally resolved.

Lord Of The Rings

The main character (Rickman) never appears in this movie at all. Hm. Odd. Don't watch it.

Truly Madly Deeply

This guy named Jamie (Rickman) can play the cello and is dead. Then his ghost comes back to his girlfriend's house. His girlfriend throws a fit because Jamie brings some of his ghostly friends over. As if she's not being a cheater and going out with this other guy. Humph. Why can't she accept the fact that Jamie has friends? Anyway, the girl winds up with the other guy, and Jamie floats away to haunt some other people. Anyway, did you know that the band Savage Garden wrote a song called Truly Madly Deeply? Savage Garden is truly madly deeply a great band, lemme tell you. Want to listen to them? Okay, great. Let me hook you up with the basics...

Sense And Sensibility

The title of this movie is misleading, because no one in this film possesses any of these aforementioned traits. First, there's this middle aged man whose name is Colonel Brandon (Rickman). He's really nice and handsome and charming. Basically, a great guy. Then there's this lady by the name of Elinor. She's pretty, witty, well mannered, and single. They look perfect together. Then what happens? (Here comes the first blow.) Brandon decides to go for Elinor's sister! Where's the sense in that? The sister is everything Elinor isn't. And she's so important to this movie I forgot her name. So let's just call her Sis. Now here comes the second blow. Sis rejects Brandon. She rejects him. As in, refuses him. As in, does not want to marry him. No wait, first she insults him by saying he has rheumatism, and then she rejects him. Hello? What happened to sensibility? Well, to make a long and painful story short, in the end Brandon marries Sis and Elinor marries that other guy whom I also don't know the name of. And then the movie ends. But what they don't know is that immediately afterwards, Brandon and Elinor get together anyway, and Sis and Other Guy hook up. Do I sense a sequel here?

Judas Kiss

This must be a continuation of Sense And Sensibility. A detective whose name is David (Rickman) who bears a striking resemblance to Brandon, flirts with a chick named Sadie who bears a striking resemblance to Elinor. Then there's some small subplot involving a murder or stolen things or gangstas or having sex at a supermarket or something, doobie doobie doo. Nobody cares. David and Sadie flirt.

Mesmer

This is a sweeping epic drama about a man with the world's spiffiest name, Franz Anton Mesmer (Rickman). He is a gorgeous man, with gorgeous hair, gorgeous clothes, gorgeous voice, gorgeous medical theories, and gorgeous hands. Everyone loves him, and understandably so. However, this movie is also a mystery. The mystery being, how in the world did Mesmer end up with such a tightlaced, Puritanical wife who never smiles, and a goofy son? Anyway, for a time, Mesmer's life rocked! A very pretty girl who lived in the attic tells him she loves him. Aw! How cute! And then this hot chick comes in to be cured! Mesmer was livin' large! But then... everything goes downhill. Mesmer Junior tries to attack Attic Girl, who in turn runs into Mesmer's "office," where Mesmer was currently trying to "cure" Hot Chick. Attic Girl then ensues to live the dream of millions of Mesmer fans worldwide by jumping Mesmer. She actually jumped him! And suceeded at it too! Yay! Jump! Jump! Jump! Then Messie throws Junior out of the house. Then... something else happens. Anyway, toward the end of the movie Messie slides down a banister and gets thrown in mud and gets really messy. However, the movie ends positively, because Messie cleans up and still manages to keep his dashing good looks and fashionable clothes.

Dogma

The Voice of God (Rickman), whose name is Metatron, goes into this girl's room and pulls down his pants! And... I am too choked up to describe what happened next, so we'll just leave it at that.

Close My Eyes

A fascinating documentary narrated by the incredibly beautiful, wealthy, and charming Sinclair Bryant (Rickman). Learn about such things as creamers, dinosaurs, antique cars, ashtrays, elevators, hotel notice boards, cucumber sandwiches, parasols, Victorian settlements, and bonfires. Warning: may not be suitable for younger viewers because when there's a problem with the dishwasher, Sinclair utters a profanity. Otherwise, this would make an excellent classroom teaching aid. (Graciously contributed by guest columnist Dee. Thanks!)

Bob Roberts

The truly heart-warming story of a God-fearing humanitarian, Lucas Hart III (Rickman) who wants nothing more than to come to the aid of the suffering masses in Central America. Alas, for his efforts, he is hounded by the Government and vilified by the press. Finally, when his dear friend and fellow patriot suffers an assassination attempt, he can take no more and utters an impassioned plea: "Excuse me. I have to pray." (Sniff.) (Be sure to have plenty of tissues on hand.) (Graciously contributed by guest columnist Dee. Thanks!)

Blow Dry

An epic adventure of love, betrayal, loyalty, death, and underhanded trickery. An evil villain who descends upon a small village in Northern England intent on stealing the town's gold. The villagers are helpless. Will no one save them? Our hero, mild-mannered Phil Allen (Rickman) is at first reluctant to enter the fray. However, after spending the afternoon in the bathtub with the town tart, he realizes that he must stand up and face his nemesis in order to fulfill his destiny. (Webmistress' side note: unbeknownst to the guest columnist who is writing this, the town tart was actually me.) In the final hour, when all seems lost, he strides into the arena, smartly donned in black silk. Using every ounce of his cunning, agility, speed, and, oh yes, very fancy footwork, he manages to cut down this slimy menace, secure the gold, and save the town. Amid the screams and cheers from a grateful and adoring throng, he quietly lays down his weapons, steals a final kiss, and disappears into the night. (Graciously contributed by guest columnist Dee. Thanks!)

Something The Lord Made

In this made-for-TV movie miracle, Alfred Blalock (Rickman) is a heart surgeon who saves people's lives by saving their hearts. Well, aparently, he's saved thousands, if not millions of hearts already. The hearts of lovesick Alan Rickman fans as they sat in front of their TV's, watching HBO, that is. Finally, a new Alan Rickman movie to watch! The world was astounded as the crime rate, suicide rate, and car accident rate plunged to a record low for several hours on May 30, 2004. See? Alfred Blalock is seriously a cool guy who contributed a lot to society.

Harry Potter 3

Fashion takes the forefront in the continuing saga of the Severus Snape series. Yes, fashion. I mean, why else do you think Sirius Black was locked up in Azkaban by the Fashion Police in the first place? Three words: horizonally striped trousers. Where's Waldo, anyone? Anyway, the plot kicks into gear as our esteemed Professor Snape comes out of the closet (chuckle, chuckle), modelling this year's newest style: a foxy (literally) and slinky new man-dress, and this year's top accessory: a sleek glowing wand! His newly trimmed hair flounces around greaselessly and shiningly. However, our happy spirits are short lived as a major walking fashion faux pas by the name of Lupin enters the campus, decked in brown trousers and a shapeless, mousy granny sweater. Not to mention a dead hairy caterpillar. Oh, I meant to say mustache. Okay, so just where are the Fashion Police this time to lock this guy up? Oh, they can't come in because of those damn Dementors "protecting" the campus! I mean, look at them, they are so last millenium. Anyway, we are horrified as the fashion unconscious Harry Potter decides to take to Loser Lupin instead of Stylin' Snape. But the movie ends on a good note, because when Harry blasts Snape into bed, Snape's coattails fly around stylishly and Harry realizes that Lupin's so-called "knitwear" in varying stages of decay are no match to Snape's glitzy man-dresses, frockcoats, capes, and line of top-notch indoor decor. So, even though the Fashion Police are woefully absent, Lupin basically arrests himself and leaves Hogwarts. Snape resumes to stalk the catwalks, er, campus hallways, and to educate his students on the most important lesson of all: that school uniforms based on his frockcoats are so much better than school uniforms based on Lupin's sweaters. I mean, can you imagine?!

The Search For John Gissing

This glorified movie trailer is about a man (Rickman) who pisses into a chair. What else happens? Well, how should I know; for all I know, this movie doesn't even exist. It's like... the Holy Grail of movies. The Loch Ness Monster of Alan Rickman's filmography. The Bigfoot of Alan Rickman's career. The Chupacabra of Alan Rickman fans' worst nightmares. Legend has it that the movie reared its mysterious head at several obscure film festivals years ago, but frankly, we're having trouble locating the three or four eyewitnesses who claimed to have seen this creature in its entirety. The search for John Gissing continues indeed.

Play

This short film, based off of Samuel Beckett's imaginatively titled play, "Play," is about a barnacle-encrusted, moss-covered head (Rickman) smack talking in a funeral urn. On the surface, this movie is innocent enough -- I mean, we get movies with dead people talking from urns every day -- but let's dig a little deeper for meaning, shall we? First, look at those "barnacles." Barnacles? I don't think so. Those things are obviously shrooms. And the moss growing all over his face? More like... weed... if you catch my drift. And the urns? You mean... the pots? Pot? Get it? Neither do I -- quite frankly, the only way you're gonna be able to get this movie is if you watch it under the influence of the aforementioned substances.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Quest

Oops, I must have made a typo in the title. My bad. Because Galaxy Quest and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy are obviously two completely different movies. Galaxy Quest is about an underappreciated, sarcastic actor (Rickman) who gets dragged along a dangerous space journey whereas Hitchhiker's Guide is about an underappreciated, sarcastic robot (Rickman) who gets dragged along a dangerous space journey. In Galaxy Quest, Rickman's character, Dr. Lazarus, is only 1,000 times smarter than his superior, Jason Nitwit -- er, I mean, Nesmith. In contrast, in Hitchiker's Guide, Rickman's character, Marvin, is 1,000,000,000,000 times smarter (conservative estimate) than his superior, Zaphod Beeblebrox. Dr. Lazarus in Galaxy Quest has a weird purple growth as his head; Marvin in Hitchhiker's Guide has an oversized beach ball as his head. The bad guys in Galaxy Quest are green, slimey insect things that blew up a foreign planet, whereas the bad guys in Hitchhiker's Guide are gray, slimey slug things that blew up a familiar planet (Earth). See? Obviously two very different movies.

Harry Potter 1,759

Ca-ching! Can you hear that? So can I. It's the sound of Alan Rickman's bank account expanding as he deposits yet another check for participating in part one billion of the Harry Potter series: Harry Potter And The Incurable Addiction Of Conning Suckers Out Of Their Money. In this installment, emotions run high as Snape (Rickman) faces his most threatening challenge yet: a pale, bluish man with no hair and two slits for a nose. Who to root for? Snapie! Oh, I mean... Voldie! No! Snapie! Voldie! Audiences are torn! Do not watch this if the words "Ralph Fiennes is one sexy biatch" mean something to you.

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