This will be the most useless Alan FAQ in the world. Enjoy.
Why is Alan Rickman with Rima Horton and not with me?
Because she is a microeconomics professor who can do his taxes. Are you?
I am fifteen years old. Do I still have a chance with Alan?
Well, it depends. The fact that Alan and Rima have been "dating" for thirty plus years (more than two times your age) may leave you at a slight disadvantage. But hope is not lost. You may get to live vicariously through a movie character by co-starring with Alan in a future film. You have a bigger chance at having romantic interludes with Alan than you think. Check out this page for proof. Then, buy An Awfully Big Adventure and watch repeatedly for inspiration.
I am seventy years old. Do I still have a chance with Alan?
That also depends. Keep in mind that fellow Brit actor Ralph Fiennes dated a chick named Francesca Annis, who is 18 years his senior. But if Alan doesn't work out for you, you may have a chance with Alan's older brother, David Rickman, assuming he's still single.
I am a man. Do I still have a chance with Alan?
As with the first two questions, this depends as well. First, are you by any chance named Norman Reedus? If no, do not lose hope. Watch Dark Harbor repeatedly for inspiration.
Does Alan have flat feet?
Why, yes.
What is Alan's middle name?
Sydney Patrick
Was Alan ever on an episode of King Of The Hill?
Yes! How did you guess? The episode is called "Joust Like A Woman," and it first aired January 13, 2002.
Which movie has Alan been completely naked in?
Dark Harbor
How old was Alan when Dark Harbor was made?
A very firm 52/p>
Is Alan a very brave man?
See above...
Why is Alan the Vice Chairman of the Royal Academy Of Dramatic Art?
Because the Chairman, John Whitney, is a power hungry punk who refuses to acknowledge true talent and step down.
How much does Alan loathe his unauthorized biography?
Very, very much. So don't buy it!
Is Alan doing all seven Harry Potter movies?
Apparently, yes.
Why does Alan have the sexiest voice in the universe?
Because he had a tight jaw as a child and was unable to pronounce things clearly.
How old was Alan when he made his first film?
A very young 42
Who else shares Alan's birthday of February 21?
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Charlotte Church
What's Alan's favorite romantic song?
Take It With Me, by Tom Waits
Who does Alan want to have as his naked stand in?
"Liam Neeson's choice. Or Liam Neeson. Or almost anyone, at this point." I beg to differ, Alan. You obviously did not watch Dark Harbor, did you?
Why was Alan number 34 in 1995 Empire Magazine's sexiest stars in history?
Because the Empire Magazine writers were stoned when they wrote that issue. Anyone with half a brain knows that Alan belongs in the top ten, if not top three in any sexy people list.
Does Alan have a Snape doll?
Yes! Unless he threw it away.
How short is he?
Six feet one inch! (Alan, not the Snape doll.) What a shrimp! He's 17 inches shorter than Yao Ming!
Why are some Alan movies so damn expensive?
Are you talking about those videos (like the BBC Romeo And Juliet) that cost upwards of a hundred bucks? That's because those videos include royalty fees in them. That means, you can legally show them in classrooms, auditoriums, and random street corners. But since you do that anyway... I guess it doesn't matter.
Does Alan have a lot of chest hair?
Yes. Just kidding! Scared you, didn't I? I'm happy to report he doesn't look like Sean Connery under his shirt, thank God. But he does have a nice little happy trail running downwards from his navel. Woot woot.
Why do Alan's movie characters always hook up with chicks less than half his age?
Why is the sky blue? Why does grass grow? Why do we breathe?
What are some awards that Alan deservedly won?
1998, Audience Award, Winter Guest
1997, CinemAvvenire Award, Winter Guest
1997, OCIC Award, Winter Guest
1997, Gold Hugo Award, Winter Guest
1997, Golden Globes, Best Actor In TV Movie, Rasputin
1996, Emmy Award, Outstanding Actor In Miniseries, Rasputin
1994, Montreal Film Festival, Best Actor, Mesmer
1992, Evening Standard Award, Robin Hood
1992, ALFS Award, Brit Actor Of The Year, Close My Eyes
1992, BAFTA Film Award, Best Supporting Actor, Robin Hood
1991, Golden Space Needle, Best Actor, Close My Eyes
What are some awards that Alan was blatantly robbed of?
2000, Golden Satellite Award, Best Supporting Actor, Dogma
2000, Saturn Award, Best Supporting Actor, Galaxy Quest
1999, Czech Lion, Best Foreign Language Film, Winter Guest
1997, BAFTA Film Award, Supporting Actor, Michael Collins
1997, Golden Lion, Winter Guest
1996, BAFTA Award, Supporting Actor, Sense And Sensibility
1992, BAFTA Award, Best Actor, Truly Madly Deeply
1992, MTV Movie Awardl, Best Villain, Robin Hood
I want to have Alan Rickman's babies. Tell me how.
I'm truly sorry, but you have to phrase it in the form of a question.